1) MDH* is constantly honing his skills – “talking” to ducks, turkeys and deer – with his callers! The kids have learned to “quack” their needs – for a quicker response from their father. I think our family is turning into a bunch of cracked quackers!
2) Whenever I want to go on vacation, MDH reminds me we need to wait until “__whatever__ season is over.” He neglects to mention that something is always “in season.”
3) In order to get the grass cut, I use “hunting” psychology. “Why don’t you go hunt up your lawnmower and stalk the deer grass? Be sure you take your knife, to field dress any varmints or game you might find. When you get back, we’ll have some venison stew.” When he’s going through ‘hunting withdrawal,’ this works well!
4) He couldn’t care less what he wears to work. However, tell him his hunting threads aren’t ready and watch him howl!
I don’t have the courage to tell him I accidently washed his new camo hunting jacket in regular soap (thus delivering a deadly dose of UV Brightener to that garment). I’m probably safe until a deer calls, “You hoooooo, Richard, I SEE you.”
5) My husband issues a monthly calendar with all his hunting activities “pre-marked for our convenience.”
6) Jake, my husband’s Labrador Retriever, lives a life of leisure and ease. MDH worries more over Jake’s health than that of his own kids. His point: “Jake is a better retriever than the kids.”
7) MDH can carry on a 15 minute conversation about great hunting spots — with a wrong number!
8) By way of letting me in on “the thrill of hunting,” MDH allows me to carry his deer parts to the deer processor. Talk about excitement! And if I’m really “good,” he lets me pick up the packaged meat a few weeks later. (This is what I dreamed of as a child; picking up and delivering deer carcasses in heavy Igloo’s.)
9) A “little hunting trip” requires an F350 truck and a goose-neck trailer.
10) Our resident hunter loves Halloween; our kids hate it! Richard makes them dress up as “duck decoys.” He says it helps get him revved up for the season!
Do any of these sound familiar? Welcome to the “Hapless Homebodies” Club! We have levels of membership: “Fall Deer Hunting Widows,” “Widows of Bird-Brained Husbands Who Hunt” and “Widows of Husbands Who Hunt Year Round.”
There’s considerable support for organizing a group ‘hunting trip’ to “Le Bare* in Houston. The feeling is that these guys could help devert a widow’s mind from her (temporary) grief.
*Le Bare is a ‘gentlewoman’s club’ with incredibly muscled male dancers. They did not get those muscles packing a deer out of a glen!)
* MDH = My Deer Husband. Also known as: “He who likes to be obeyed … but rarely is.”
This blog is a companion to my website: GreatGhilliesAndGraphics.com